Notice how I don’t have my name written on here? No picture of me. No information about where I’m from, my interests? Because I’d rather be anonymous. I’m ashamed of myself.

I don’t care if you do not read this. I’m sad, I feel the need to write it all down. And no, this is not all the information… I’ve left a few things out that are too fucked up to even write about.

I’m sure there are millions of other bloggers out there that rant about how dramatic/horrible their life is. And I’m no different. All this rant will be about are my hopeless relationships. Relationships are not kind to me. Ha… I remember the first crush I had. His name was Dominic, we were seven years old. I know, how does a seven year-old have a crush? Well, I did. And I remember telling my mother, and she told me to sit next to him, to talk to him. So the next day I gave it a go. What was there to be afraid of? I didn’t know about rejection at the time. I was still so innocent. Oh, I sure didn’t expect his response. He told me I was weird and to stop sitting next to him. Yep. It hurt. Throughout primary school I had sporadic crushes here and there. I remember my first kiss. It was with a girl. Didn’t expect that, did you? She was my best friend. I think we were eight or nine years-old. Once week I’d see her, and sometime throughout that day we would kiss. It wasn’t anything serious, come on, we were children! We were just friends that liked to (somehow know) to kiss passionately.

When I was 12 years-old, I had a crush on a boy who had Leukaemia. Yeah, puppy love. I was shy. EXTREMELY shy. I remember all the kids in our grade would crowd around us during recess, and I’d be on the end of the bench and he’d be on the other end. I couldn’t even talk to him. I was so nervous. I remember when I thought he liked another girl, and I was sad. To prove he didn’t like her, he took my hand and guided me to the back of the school library. I didn’t know what was going to happen. Completely oblivious. He was going to kiss me. I remember leaning on the building, him shorter than me, he was slowly moving his lips towards mine. And I freaked out. I jumped to the side and ran to the girls’ toilets to hide. My friends laughed at me, and that was the end of our (somewhat) relationship. Seven years later, I still feel sick to my stomach. How could I have done that?!

A couple years through high school I went to an all girls school. Yeah, I had crushes on strangers when I used public transport. That’s as far as it went. I didn’t talk to a boy for two years. THEN I moved to a coed high school. This changed everything. I had matured. In appearance and mind. Not meaning to sound full of myself, but all the boys thought I was beautiful. I started getting a lot of attention. This was foreign to me. Remember, I was a shy girl. I made some wonderful friends at this coed school. However, all this attention made me build a “frightened” wall. Every guy that asked me out, I would say no. Making an excuse every. single. time. Then this one guy comes along. He treated me so kindly, he wasn’t like the other guys. I was interested in him AND he was interested in me. I thought he genuinely cared about me. He led me on for over two years, until my heart was broken. This is where my emotional wall was built. Oh, it was strong. Almighty strong, indeed. No one could possible break this wall. Just under a year later, I kind of start dating this boy. However, I did not like him. I led him on. I felt pressured. And guess what? I broke his heart. I broke his heart, and I’m afraid I scarred him. He didn’t understand why I broke his heart. I told him I didn’t like him anymore. But the real reason was, I was afraid. I was afraid to get close to him.

After high school, my relationships are still messed up. Actually, my relationships in general with family, friends and lovers are more screwed up than ever after school. I don’t know if I’ll ever have a proper relationship. I hope I do.